Why childbirth is like a horror film
Rosemary’s Baby, The Hand that Rocked the Cradle… horror films know you’re on high alert when you welcome a new baby. But the great irony is women have already seen far greater horror getting their little ones out into the world. Every mother has a birthing story with twists, turns and tension. Meeting your little one is a special occasion so this is a firmly tongue in cheek run through of how childbirth would fit perfectly into a horror…
(Of course, if you’re a pregnant woman reading this right now, trust me – it’s all worth it.)
1) You spend ages waiting for something to happen.
They say Hitchcock was the master of suspense. Well he has nothing on early contractions. Every ache and pain is scrutinised and second-guessed so you don’t know if up is down or left is right. Add to that the Midsommar-style jargon from the hospital staff and you’re one unsettled mess before anything’s even started. But just like Paranormal Activity, when things kick off, they really kick off.
2) Changes are happening to your body.
While each contraction more or less mimics the Jaws theme, as labour progresses your body undergoes a full Dawn of the Dead zombie conversion.
3) Speaking in tongues
I made sounds I never knew existed when I was in labour. Add to that my vomiting up of gas and air and I was full-blown little-girl-from-the-Exorcist.
4) Blood
There’s a lot of blood. If you’re in a delivery suite it’s like that scene from The Shining. If you’re having a water birth, it’s like Jaws is in the water. Basically, your baby comes out looking like Carrie.
5) You feel like a science experiment
I needed forceps for my first birth, which by themselves look like some Victorian torture device. But with that and caesareans and stitches on offer, sometimes a delivery suite can feel like Dr Frankenstein’s laboratory or a scene from Alien.
6) There’s a shaky home movie
While I didn’t want a recording of my births, I saw enough videos on Youtube to feel like the Blair Witch was watching me.
7) You need to be cleaned up afterwards
I was still keeled over when I had my shower after giving birth, fully emulating the lady in the bathtub from The Shining. I looked so horrific even Norman Bates would have left me alone.
8) You have to stay in hospital
While the NHS tries its best, let’s face it – it’s overwhelmed and underfunded, making it feel like you’re in Gothika-style incarceration. And although most midwives are lovely, there was one I nicknamed ‘Midwife Ratched’ as I was getting full One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest vibes when I said I wasn’t breastfeeding.
9) You have to deal with family
Your little bundle of joy is here – yay! Everybody is excited to meet the newest family member- yay! You’re the worst you’ve ever felt in your life. Crap. Family coming to visit puts you in full Get Out fear mode. Or if you go to stay with them, leaving is on par with The Hills Have Eyes.
10) Your baby consumes you
…which of course is brilliant because they’re perfect. But as they continue to be perfect, you descend into a fully degenerate Gollum-Nosferatu state, obsessed with their every bowel movement.
