Why toddlers are like drunk people
The empty bottles in the kitchen. The raging headache as your head hits the pillow. That ‘bad’ feeling when you wake up because you know A LOT went down last night. No, not Fresher’s Week 2007 – it’s just every day living with a toddler. Yes, they may look cute but in many ways, any local preschooler group is like a nightclub emptying at 4am . Here’s how our toddlers are like worse-for-wear party people.
They stumble everywhere
Have you seen a toddler walking when they haven’t had a nap? They manage to zig-zag, spin and sway all at the same time. Oddly enough, this doesn’t seem to hold them back and only stop when they crash-land on your lap with a split-second’s notice.
No volume control
When they’re happy, they shriek. When they’re excited, they shriek. When they’re angry, they shriek. When they’re tired they shriek. You get the idea.
They think they can do anything
What is it with toddler self-confidence? They think they can climb a lampost or scale a brick wall – and are happy to keep trying no matter how many times they fall on their butts.
They want to be carried home
The only thing worse than an overly ambitious toddler is the one that has given up and is holding out for a piggy back or a trip on Daddy’s shoulders. I wouldn’t mind but mine always decides to do this when I’m carrying five shopping bags uphill a good half-mile away from our front door.
They can become aggressive/emotional
It’s either that weird aggression that makes no sense like ‘Why can’t I eat the soap’ or ‘How dare you give me the red Duplo?’ Or it’s that high level of tears usually reserved in the adult world for girls sitting next to the DJ booth five sambucas in.
They have no problem exposing themselves in public
I have seen too much at toddler group. FAR TOO MUCH.
They don’t like to be told they’ve had enough
Have you tried telling a toddler you’ve run out of their favourite snack? I’ve done the mile round trip to the shops in under 10 minutes just to get my hands on the dried mango she demanded over lunch. And it’s a whole new horror when they try grabbing extras from your plate as my poor pizza found out a few weeks ago.
They’re TOO friendly
We’ve all been there: you go to a restaurant for a quiet meal and before you can tuck into some complimentary olive bread a random toddler appears to show you their Peppa Pig doll and chew on your napkins. Toddlers don’t read the room or understand personal space
It’s pot luck on the bodily fluids.
Vomit. Wee. Poop. Toddlers feel no shame with any of these. And they are happy to keep the party going even after they’ve been expelled from their bodies.
They pick up random crap
An elastic band, a piece of gum from the floor. It’s the toddler equivalent of an inflatable flamingo and novelty sunglasses from that beach-themed bar crawl you went on many moons ago.
