Things that annoy me more now I’m a mum
It’s tough enough being a parent: teething pains, cleaning up poonamis, the battleground that’s dinnertime. Sometimes it feels like the world is against us. No matter how hard we try, we can’t avoid that tantrum in the supermarket or scraped knee in the park – I feel like I’m getting a permanent frown on my forehead from when the Forces That Be have let me down again. Here’s my top ten list of things that annoy me now I’m a parent – even though there’s far more than ten.
When the washing machine lies to me
It doesn’t even have a reason to, it’s not like I gave it a deadline or anything. But if I am promised that my little girl will have her fluffy winter pyjamas ready at 6.30pm, I will have her fed, pottied and teeth cleaned by that time. An extra 20 minutes can’t just come out of nowhere for a cranky two year old. And we don’t want another repeat of that time we had to make a five minute bath last half an hour…
When Disney Plus goes down
I pay a lot of money to have an unlimited amount of Bluey and I will cryogenically unfreeze Walt myself if I can’t access it. Plus, why does it happen when I’ve bigged up watching Frozen all day to my toddler? Singing the songs myself somehow doesn’t cut it.
Parking
Driving is bad enough with two under two crying behind you. Add to that, any awkward parking situations and I’d rather take part in the Grand Prix – plus, there’s a special place in hell to anyone using a Parent and Child space and shouldn’t be. Also, Public Service Announcement to anyone who wants to meet me and my kids at a place with no parking: I’m not coming.
Unsolicited advice
With the greatest self esteem in the world, if someone’s giving you advice you didn’t ask for, it will always feel like criticism. What gets me is if they’re telling me that they’re driving home, I can’t give them advice like ‘Stop at all the red lights’ or ‘Follow the speed limit’ because that’s considered condescending but I must politely take on board their out-of-date pearls of wisdom. Yes, I am talking about my in-laws.
Work
Oh you need me in on my day off? And you’ve given me twice as much workload? And you keep emailing me on days I’m not in and expect me to pick them up? This is annoying whether you have kids or not but add to that trying to find childcare and a moment to log on amid potty training and tantrums and I am one bad day from trying to put my boss on the Naughty Step.
Spam calls
I only have two hands. And as much as I would like some Dr-Octopus-from-Spiderman-inspired suit to allow me to do three things at once, they currently aren’t available to new mums. So instead I have to make do with a one-thing-at-a-time approach. So, no I wasn’t in an accident that wasn’t my fault and I don’t want product insurance. P*ss off because you’ve distracted me for 30 seconds and my toddler has probably got hold of the Sudacrem again.
Random crap
You know what I mean – when you finally get your kids into the double seat trolley and there’s a used plaster in the front. Or you get to the park and there’s a discarded fruit shoot like the ones you have at home so your toddler wants it. And let’s not get started on cafe high chairs…
Other people’s kids
This works two ways. First of all, I will always be pleased for the parents of Little Johnny Perfect, who has started riding a bike without stabilisers at two years old – but that doesn’t mean I always want to hear about it. Secondly, any older kids who wander into the under 5s play area and swear at one another will meet my wrath, whether their dad is vaping on a nearby bench or not.
Dog poop on the path
Yeah, this was never nice but when it was just me but at least then I could skip over it or cross the road. But when I’m driving a pushchair I don’t know about it until it’s clogged up the wheels and I’ve got to make it rain Dettol over them when I get home. Plus, whenever my daughter wants to take a toy out with her I live in fear of her dropping it in the brown stuff.
Bad dog owners
For the record, I am actually a dog owner myself. And I used to be the most relaxed person – I loved it when a Great Dane came bounding up to me off lead. But since I’ve been maneuvering a toddler and a baby around, I’ve had to deal with my fair share of near misses and overly energetic dogs. So it’s very easy – if you struggle to control your dog, don’t let them get anywhere near young children. Cross the road or give lots of space. Or you will hear from the Tiger Mother pushing the pushchair.
